Yes I AM going to write in this thing

Ideally, I think I'd spend 15 minutes a day scribbling in this thing. I can't for the life of me figure out why this isn't happening, as it's not exactly like I don't have 15 spare minutes to scribble here. I'd probably have less time for this if I were, say, working on my dissertation, but as I'm not I can't figure out why I'm not doing more of this. So I will type while I'm trying to figure out dinner and while I have a cat smashing my arm down and not wanting me to get up and being very sweet and purry.

Let's see. I finally got out on the first run I've been on in two weeks because of the non-hamthrax that kept me benched for a while. A+ for getting out, C for the actual run. I only made it about two miles and had to walk a few times. My calves are killing me right now.

I had a giant alcohol-fueled meltdown on Brownie last night because I feel like everything in my life is on hold until he gets a job and I can start trying to find one, because that feeling is intensely frustrating, and because he's so busy with his dissertation and so anxious about it that I feel like I never get to spend any real time with him. And because the whole idea that he'd calm down once the job applications were in fell immediately by the wayside in that it's now "I'll calm down once I get another revision of my introduction turned in" which holds off him "calming down" for another week or so. So I flipped out last night from several months of holding all the frustration in and then informed him that if we move somewhere for his job and I hate it there, then it's my turn to decide where to move and we're doing it. He was actually okay with this. For all the ridiculous stress he's putting on himself over this job thing, he seemed remarkably okay with moving on to something else if I'm miserable wherever we go. I'm alternately like "well, good," or "really? You think you could give up a tenure-track job that easily?" and being remarkably unsure about that. I'm also feeling bad for dumping so much of my stress and frustration on him since I think he's stressed out enough without my emotions running rampant, but I think all in all it's good I told him.

Also, I've been thinking about it and I don't think that everything in my life really is on hold, even if I'm frustrated career-wise right now. I might actually start up dissertation work at some point, and I have an almost-plotless novel to write in November which I'm really kind of excited for. And I'm laughing at myself that I'm excited to write creatively for once but far too chickenshit to tell anyone IRL except for Brownie that I'm attempting to write at all, and too chickenshit to tell even Brownie exactly what it is I'm going to attempt to write. I have a hard time calling myself a writer even as an amateur-for fun type thing.

Dinner, I *think*, is going to be a bag of mussels steamed in a garlic-tomato-wine broth with bread and a thing of spicy tomato-covered goat cheese. And maybe some spicy sauteed spinach or something.