Spring Break: A Panegyric

This being the last of my years in academe, this is the last of my Spring Breaks. Younger me would think that I should be marking the occasion by going on a trip. Grad school paychecks being what they are, however, there won't be any major trip.

Honestly, though, I'm okay with that, or perhaps even sort of happy. This break is going beautifully (albeit way too quickly, as per usual). I'm working out every morning (still doing the Jillian Michaels 30 Days of Hell dvd, which is toning me up something fierce), I'm ACTUALLY EATING BREAKFAST (this is a new and very unusual thing), I've been crocheting (the stupid scarf I've been working on since January is finally almost done), and I've been noveling again (FINALLY). I've gotten a couple thousand words so far this week. Nowhere near my November pace, but it's good, and I'm back to the characters having conversations I wasn't planning on them having and having those conversations drift off in directions I hadn't seen before they happened and I've re-planned out how the novel will begin and things are generally going swimmingly. It feels really good to be writing again. It's also really nice to have the week to write and think and write some more without the nagging constant guilty feeling that I'm supposed to be focusing on my teaching and trying to force some work on the damned dissertation and work on the job hunt and everything else.

Even better: it's been in the 50s all week. After the snowiest winter I have ever lived through, the concept of the 50s is near-tropical. We even saw the sun here for a couple of days!

Tonight, Brownie and I are going to attempt to make duck. Why? We have the time, and I have some Wegmans gift certificates from my birthday to play with. On Saturday, we're taking our tax returns on a day trip to NYC. We're hitting the Strand for books (I refuse on principle to look for dissertation books), and I will finally (!) get to go play at the CB I Hate Perfume gallery. I mean, Cloudburst Accord. Wet Lawn Accord. And then we're going to go get some food somewhere. And maybe hit the Brooklyn Brewery while we're in Brooklyn.

What I'm saying is that I'm happier right now than I have been in months, if not longer. I think it's because I've given myself permission to spend a week not in academics, not surrounded by thoughts of the Ivory Tower, not wallowing in the overabundance of guilt and feelings of abject failure that I associate with my dissertation. I'm just taking care of myself and working on things that I find interesting and fun and productive. It feels awesome.

I know that when I get out of academics in May, I will be surrounded by the stress of a job hunt and then (preferably soon!) the stress of a brand new job in a brand new field and that leaving the academy does not mean that I'm leaving stress behind forever. To get this week, however, to devote to putting my emotional health back into some semblance of tolerability has been an absolute godsend.

So fare thee well, Spring Break. You've been good to me and I will miss you when you're gone. And I will probably try my level best to take a week off when possible in the Spring, just to see if I can recreate the sense of calm I feel right now.

Nearing the year's end

Brownie's interview seems to have gone well. The only sucktastic thing about it was that it was being held in the ballroom. In order to walk into the ballroom, he had to register for the conference. $65 that we really don't have after Christmas (plus $27 for parking and $5.50 for tolls), he was able to sit down at a table for an hour and interview. Nearly $100 to interview. Thanks, MLA.

I'm momentarily feeling pretty good, which may or may not have something to do with the fact that I've actually remembered for the past few days to take my Vitamin D supplement. If I'm just feeling good, then fantastic. If it's the Vitamin D helping, also fantastic. I have to remember to take it out to KS with me just in case that's what it is and I'm not just spontaneously feeling alright with the world. All of the thoughts that were weighing me down in the last post are still there, but I feel at least right now like it's manageable and that something will work out eventually.

Brownie and I are heading out to visit my parents tomorrow for a couple of weeks of decompression time before all hell breaks loose for the final semester of grad school. Going home is always weird. I love it and I have a blast with my family and I adore the friends I have out there. It's just that I have many more friends out there than I do where I am now, and all of those friends want to hang out, and I want to hang out with them, so I end up with an insanely packed social schedule that leaves me drained and moody and not wanting to go out at all (see: I'm an introvert) even as I feel pressured to because x or y night is the only night that I'll be able to see persons Q and V until next summer etc etc. And I feel guilty if I can't fit someone in, which adds to the moody. So the goal for this trip is to avoid the guilty and tired feelings by not overcommitting myself, but as I didn't manage to avoid it last year when I was out there for three weeks, I'm not sure I have much hope of being able to avoid it now when I'm only out there for two.

New Year's Resolution is quite simply to be awesome. I'd love to say something about "I'm going to blog more" or "I'm going to write more" or "I'm going to finish the fucking dissertation if it kills me" but resolutions like that never seem to stick and just add to the perpetual pile of guilty "there's something I should be doing now that I'm not because I'm doing x instead" feeling that's become so entrenched during grad school that I literally no longer can imagine the inside of my mind without it. It is a feeling I'm working on ridding myself of.

My cat is next to me on the couch and snoring. I am ded of cute.