The Waiting Game

I had this dream this morning that I woke up from going AAAAAAAAAA.  In the dream, Brownie comes in from a run, flops on the couch with a glass of water, and answers his phone.  On the phone is Department Head from BFE University, the one we've been waiting to hear from.  The phone call is to tell Brownie that he has indeed gotten the position.  Brownie accepts.  Brownie is then given a selection of happy, bouncing, roughly 9 month old babies to choose from, because apparently in the unconscious recesses of my brain job = noisy, crying, pooping pile of responsibility that will occasionally coo.

At least it was different from the other dreams I've been having for the past week - those have all been tornado dreams.

I think I've gone a bit nuts.

The thing that bugs me with the dream I had this morning was that it was all and entirely about Brownie.  I was just a passive observer.  I suppose this is how most of my life feels at the moment - everything is on hold until we find out if he's gotten this bloody job and we can start planning the move, I can start applying for jobs, etc.  I keep hoping U of BFE will call this minute, or this minute, or this, just so that we *know* finally.  So that I can know for sure if my upcoming year involves finding a new job and career path, or if it involves being able to spend as much time as possible writing in an attempt to turn writing into a paycheck.  For now, however, we wait.

And in waiting, all I've managed to do today is some arm weights, take a shower, eat some hummus, scribble this out, wait for beer o'clock.

So I'll end with a highlight of the week (and leave the trip to NYC for anniversary number two for a later post):  after writing the post immediate prior to this, I hopped on facebook and looked up the one person I had managed to stay in contact with for a few years after Carleton.  I found her.  It's really, really awesome to be catching up with her.  So YAY! for that - that's been fantastic.

I promise I'm not dead or anything

I've been out in the great Midwest the past couple of weeks, marrying off a friend (whose hellish wedding probably deserves a post), spending a weekend in Tulsa, hanging out with my brother and so on.  It's been a strange combination of hellaciously busy and completely bored while waiting for bridefriend to bother getting back to me, etc.

Anyway, the actual news-not-news is that the university we've been waiting on to find out if Brownie has a job with them this upcoming year has told him they'll get back to him sometime next week.  This means two things:  1) after next week, we'll be able to make firm plans on where/when/how we'll move (FINALLY) and 2) next week, until they get back to Brownie, is going to be filled with him being anxious, not sleeping and so on.  I'm going to try and suggest he spend most of it cooking or something like that, because the anxiety can be really difficult to cope with (for both of us, honestly - his anxiety has a tendency to fill whatever space he's in) and I'm trying to come up with ways for him to be busy.

As for my preferences, to the degree I'm allowing myself to have any, I'm not sure.  On one hand, it'd be awesome if Brownie gets the job because that means we'll have at least one guaranteed income next year *phew*.  OTOH, the job is in a small PA town, meaning that it'll be really difficult for me to find a worthwhile job.  I don't relish the thought of sitting around endlessly jobhunting next year.  Brownie has told me that I can just stay home and write next year if I'd like, and I do relish the thought, but I need to have some sort of job that will allow me to get the hell out of the house sometimes or I'll go batshit insane -- a feeling compounded by the fact that if we end up in said small PA town, I wouldn't know anyone at all besides my husband.

Meanwhile, if we come to the Midwest (back home for me), it'd be much easier for me to find a job, and we've got a huge social network out here, and there's generally more to do.  I'd be much happier on a day-to-day basis.  However, if we move out here, Brownie won't be teaching anything in any kind of academic capacity unless something really strange happens and he manages not only to get into the adjunct pool at any of the local places, but also manages to get a course or three to teach. 

The problem is that being in academics, a year off can be nightmarish to explain on the job market.  He says he feels like if we move here, he'll be giving up on a long-fought-for, not-quite-achieved dream.  That's understandably difficult, and so while I'd be happier in the Midwest, I kinda hope we end up in PA so that he can have the change to do another round on the academic job market, since that's what he wants.  If that round doesn't work out, however, it's over.  Period.  My choice on that.  I can stand to go through this one more time, but after that I'd like to know that we're going to be able to settle down for a while and get around to starting a family and so on.  He's agreed.  The whole academic job search thing is too big a strain to repeat any more than that.

So that's that for the moment.  I hate the waiting, but I'm at least used to it by now.  I feel like that's all I've been doing for close to a year now.