Odds and Ends

We got digital cable today. A+ for that. We also got a modem upgrade, so that the modem no longer DIALS UP. FFS, if I ever have to hear that noise again, it'll be too soon.

I'm obsessed with the song "1901" by Phoenix. You've heard it. It's in a commercial for I think a cell phone. And I feel like a total loser for loving a song that has been blessed by giant corporations and which they are using to make me think that something is ZOMG cool. At the same time, that's not the song's fault, and it is a good song. And I feel like a wanker for even worrying about it for a moment. It's a good song. Just enjoy the song and stop making it difficult, self.

I'm sort of stuck in a couple of places with NaNo. Mostly I've realized that MC is a giant PITA self-obsessed whiner, and I'm trying to figure out how to change that. So I'm finding myself revising certain chunks, adding in more conversation, etc. I also feel like some of the problem is the situation she's in, and when I finally let her get out of it (and when I have scenes that are not involved with the main situation I've been writing lately) she'll get better and less whiny and less self-reflective and maybe remember to pay attention to everything around her. But as a writer it's like I've gotten so stuck trying to figure my way through her thought pattern in the current situation that I'm not paying attention to anything else, including the characters she's interacting with. So that's a major problem that I'm glad I've figured out at least so that I can address it from here on out and then fix more later. I've got to stop with the revisions though, since that is NOT helping my word count. I need to get about 2000 in today to make sure I'm staying up to speed, which is do-able, but I'd like to try and get ahead over this week/weekend so that when Sparklefest hits next weekend, I'll be able to take a few days off.

Finally, I'm meeting with awesome non-hosebeast advisor to meet her kid today. I'm hoping hosebeast advisor does not come up because I just don't want to talk about her. At all. And I don't really want to have to explain why I haven't talked to hosebeast since January, since I'm perfectly aware that not talking to her has been hugely unprofessional on my part, but hosebeast makes me feel like horseshit and the very act of trying to talk *about* her has a tendency to reduce me to tears. So I'm going to try and avoid the topic. We'll see if that works.

This Whole Noveling Thing

I can't work on it while Brownie's in the room. I almost can't work on it when he's in the apartment unless he's asleep. He's completely supportive about this whole idea, but I'm petrified to show him anything. I don't get myself on this one. I can't decide if I'm afraid that he won't like it or afraid that he actually will. Not that there's way too much to show him yet. Or that I'm writing in order, or have written enough of anything that it would make sense to anyone else.

I do like how the characters are only sort of paying attention to the personality traits I had listed for them. Certain things will work but as I get them in dialogue, they suddenly do something else and I find myself thinking 'okay, that made sense, but that wasn't what I was expecting.'

Finally, I wish I could get it out of my head that I'm just pretending to do this, or that I'm somehow pretending to write fiction just because I've never had a class in creative writing or really done all that much of it (see: failed attempts at bad poetry in high school). As I know from cooking, I don't need a class to become good at something. Maybe I have a block on this because it involves writing - like after all the college classes and grad school classes I don't feel like I should write anything that I haven't had lengthy discussions about beforehand.

So I lack self-confidence. Fuck it. That hasn't stopped me from doing things before, and I almost always lack self-confidence. Ergo, lacking self-confidence here shouldn't stop me from scribbling more. So what if I think I sound like an eighth-grader sometimes. That's what revisions are for, right?