In Limbo

So grades are done with the exception of two potatoes who haven't gotten around to turning in their final papers.  So I await their final papers, sending them nagging emails reminding them that they'll flunk if the papers don't get turned in.  Not my fault - department policy.  I'd rather they just get them in so I don't have to deal with them anymore.  I just want this done and off my back.

Having everything else done and calculated and ready to enter means that I can shower and go buy myself some nail polish, which was the treat I promised myself for getting through the remains of the grading. 

Once the grades are in, it's done.  Like really, truly done done.  And I can find a job doing something else and hope that one day over the next couple of years my motivation to finish the dissertation returns in full enough force that I finish the stupid thing. 

I'm still not sad it's over, so I'm assuming at this point that I'm really not going to be.  Honestly, though, it's hard to feel much of anything.  I have NO idea at this point what's going to happen in my life over the next few months, no idea of what to expect, no real way to make plans.  Brownie had an interview with a college in BFE of this state and they called his references, who reported that and sounded as though college in BFE is really interested in him.  We haven't been to the town at all, so we're trying to keep an open mind, but the truth is that neither one of us is even slightly excited by this prospect.  The idea of packing up and moving back to KC instead sounds so much better, so much more likely to bring employment for both of us, but it doesn't sound definite enough for me to want to hope for it.  Not knowing what to think or what to hope for or what not to hope for so that I don't end up disappointed again has become an exercise in teeth-grinding. 

I guess what I do for the moment is go shower (finally, at 2:30), drag myself out to the bookstore to look at books on writing resume cover letters for a while, pick up my nail polish, grab stuff to make salmon/asparagus pasta for dinner, and then flop with a book or with my laptop and novel for a while.  Something to distract me from me.

Is it Spring yet?

I really, really, really should get off my ass and stop playing Jungle Jewels on facebook (maybe I should play farmville? I think it would be more social somehow) and go read the stuff for class tomorrow. I'm not particularly worried about class tomorrow in that I'm teaching the first half of "the Dead" (YAY JOYCE! says the lit geek, fully aware that my class will hate it), and I've pretty much got it memorized. Ergo I've been having a hard time convincing myself to reread it and will probably just hunt through it some tomorrow during my tutoring hours so that I know exactly where I'll be pointing the discussion.

Silly thing of the night: I'm sitting on the futon and fart a little bit. Right as I'm doing so, Nunkin jumps up on my lap. I tell her what I've just done. She cocks her head at me, turns in a circle and sits next to me, about two feet away. About a minute later, she comes and curls up on my lap. I swear cats understand us.

I've been sitting here trying to write on this blog and telling myself that as I write, something about which to write will magically appear in my brain. It often does. Right now, however, it's not happening, and all I can think about is my horoscope for the day, which told me I was going to be oversensitive and whiny. This has been entirely true for the day (erm, for this whole blog - like all of it, not just this post), but I had to laugh about the horoscope because as true as it is, I just can't picture a random planetary configuration causing all of this. Mostly I do think it's the SAD hitting as per usual. I am trying to remember to take vitamin D to see if that helps. Who knows - it might really do something if I can manage to remember to take it daily. If nothing else, I'm hoping for a placebo effect, which I figure would work as well as anything else on winter blahs.

Goal for tomorrow: get something - anything! - done. ANYTHING.

the (*&^%!#@ing academic job search and life in general

So after much durm and strang and gnashing of teeth and application after application after application sent out, Brownie finally has an interview for a nine-month renewable assistant professorship at Small College in nearby, state next door. In a town he'd never heard of, no less, despite having grown up roughly 20 minutes from the apartment I'm currently sitting in. The only thing we know about the town other than that Small College is located there is that Favorite Bartender apparently grew up one town over and was fully ready to recommend the town as a fantastic place to live because it meant we'd still be close enough to come visit during our drinking times. Beyond that, I'm refusing steadfastly to bother doing any research about the town unless he gets a campus visit because I'm tired of looking at towns and going "ooo, that'd be neat, and that'd be awesomesauce" only to see the rejection letter come floating in via carrier pigeon a few days later. I'm tired of feeling hopeful only to be crushed again.

The worst version of the hope/crush feeling happened today, when I woke up to an email from my MOTHER of all people with a job listing for the community college out by them. I would kill to move back there - not to live even all that close to my parents, per se, but to live around the Kansas City area again and to enjoy the insanity that the Midwest refers to as "weather." (Nothing says "Fantastic Drinking Entertainment" like watching helicopters swarm around tornado-producing thunderstorms!) Anyway, so I got way too excited about the job posting and sent it to Brownie, who promised to apply and who then went straight back to prepping for the job interview tomorrow (which, well, obviously that would be the priority). I come to find out later (as I'm dreaming of starting a KC-centric beer blog) that while he's still planning on applying, it's without much of a hope of actually landing the job since they're asking for someone with different specialties than he has. He's still applying, but it's probably going to end up being a waste of time. And so my first (and thus far only) chance of living in any of the cities I'd actually want to move to has 95% poofed away into thin air yet again. The only reason I like the idea of Brownie getting the job at Small College is because it provides a paycheck and a place from which to launch yet another grueling awful job search. I don't understand anymore why anyone wants to go into academics, because the way the field treats its workers is beyond appalling.

Meanwhile, his landing of an interview has made me sit back and try and figure out what the hell I want to do with my life since I'll be telling academics to suck it once the dissertation is done (which I should, uh, probably do something about but whatever). I've come to a few realizations:
- I haven't the foggiest fucking clue what I want to be when I grow up
- I do know that I don't want to be an overacheiver anymore, since that hasn't exactly panned out so well for me
- I'm not sure I've done anything of note this entire year except continue on in my existence and be the good, calming, caring wife for my stressed-out, job-seeking husband
- I don't particularly want to be a productive member of society, but I also don't see that as optional
- I hate that general upsetness/disillusionment/disappointment with my career choices thus far radically outweigh everything in my life that's good when I go about taking inventory of my life, but I've yet to figure out how to stop that line of thinking
- I wonder if I'll ever come up with something to do with myself that doesn't make me feel like the last five years of grad school were a complete and total waste (I don't feel that the MA was just for sheer critical thinking/research skills, but I do feel like the Ph.D. has been)

And so all this shit just circles around in my head and I get stuck and spend a lot of time on the forum or crocheting or playing MarioKart or cooking or whatever because I'm lost on trying to find answers. In accordance with the wide world of astrology, I'm mid-Saturn Return right now, which I bring up only because that does feel roughly like my life right now - everything I've held onto as a way to define myself up until now (read: overachiever, student) has disintegrated around me and I'm left standing here thinking "so that's nice and all, but the fuck do I do now?" I typically tell myself that this is in some way good because this opens up new ways for me to define myself or time to focus on areas of my life that I'd generally left unexamined before and all that rot and all of that is good but I still spend far too much time thinking "well, shit" and then finding a beer. Some sense of rebuilding would be nice - even just a glimmer of an idea of a way to begin figuring out how to rebuild would be nice at this point.

Mostly I really hate that every time someone asks me about my life, I'm prone to telling them about Brownie's life rather than my own because there's so much more going on in his. I won't tell more than a handful of people IRL (and the entire fucking internet, apparently) how I'm actually feeling - the last time I told Brownie how I was actually feeling he said "damn, that was a lot to dump on me" before realizing that he sounded like an ass, apologizing, and then admitting he didn't have a clue what to say and giving me a hug. I'm sure the reaction from anyone else would be at least as charming. DNW.

I sort of suspect I'm probably drinking a bit too much lately, but that's neither here nor there and anyway it's the holidaze. Seriously, though, Sunday's been the only alcohol-free night in a week. The holidays have been really lovely. (Er, one huge screaming fit at my father-in-law aside wherein he had no clue the rage he'd produce in me by saying that it was Rihanna's fault that Chris Brown beat her, but everything else really has been great.) I think I've put on five pounds from all the eating - it's way too cold to go outside and run so I'm at the mercy of my brother's WiiFit once we get to KC on Thursday. Here's to going home for a couple of weeks to attempt to decompress...

In which I post for the sake of posting

I just realized it's already December 4th and I haven't posted in this thing once so far this month. So I am posting now, with no idea what to write about.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY H0RS!! :)

We're forecast to get snow tomorrow. I am crossing my fingers. I'm usually well into my "SNOW DAMMIT NOW NOW NOW" phase by now, but I sort of missed November - as in, I still keep trying to write October on things and have yet to come to terms with the fact that it's already (as mentioned) December 4th. In missing November - mostly from NaNo but also from the warm temperatures (my region just had the warmed November on record) - I didn't get going on the snow crazies quite as early. This is good. It would be awesome to get some snow before I really started looking for it. It honestly looks like it could snow right now - the sky has that flat light gray that tends to happen right before the flakes start falling, but it's still about 10 degrees too warm.

And lo, it will be beer o'clock shortly, I've yet to even begin my final pile of grading for the semester, I need to clean the litter box and I've yet to have the beginnings of a clue as to what would make an interesting blog post for right now. So I'll give this up for the moment and hope to be interesting later. Or tomorrow. Or maybe I'll shove my nose back in my NaNo project - I figured out that the reason one of the scenes felt stilted is because at least one of the characters is not at all acting like herself and I need to fix that.